take a little, give a lot

I’ve always been someone who doesn’t mind giving more than what I take. I get that it’s during hard times when we truly need our friends. I don’t mind dropping everything to be there for a friend, for being someone for them to always depend on, and to always be there when they need a shoulder to cry on. But I don’t think it’s unreasonable or outlandish for me to ask for the same in return.

I’m not someone who asks for help often. I’m not someone who has that much to complain about, or seek advice on, or need support for. I’ve always been a trooper – I can suck it up and deal with it, usually on my own without ever mentioning it to even my closest friends. So when I do ask for help, I mean it. I genuinely need it because I can’t do whatever alone.

So, it hurts when I need them and they can’t be there for me. It hurts a fucking lot. I’ve made it a point to make them a priority in my life and it is such a slap in the fucking face when they can’t return the favour. Being emphatic is something I like about myself but it gets harder and harder to stay an emphatic person when you’re constantly being disappointed and let down. I honestly believe I don’t ask much of my friends – it always feels like I’m giving and giving and giving and getting jackshit in return.

I deal with their endless complaints about their boy troubles, about how school is kicking their asses, and a never-ending slew of everything else in between. I don’t mind because that’s what friends are for, to reassure them that they are just over-reading the text their latest boy sent, that if they went down to academic counselling they can definitely figure out a way to get the credit, and that of course those pants don’t make them look fat and would look great with the top they just bought. If I can get put down whatever is going on in my own life to be their support system, why can’t they do that for me?

It just sucks being disappointed by the people who you thought you could rely on. It makes you feel so utter-fucking alone in the world. If they can’t be there for your time of need, who the fuck can?


 

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