Wow. It’s been a year since I’ve posted anything. To be very honest I forgot I even had this blog. So much has happened and so much has changed. Frankly, I feel like a completely different person than who I was a year ago. And not all for the better.
While this blog is public, I’ve never told any of my friends about it and I doubt that anyone I know reads it. Because of that, I feel comfortable saying whatever is on my mind, uncensored, unfiltered and just raw.
Writing for me is therapeutic. It’s how I untangle and sort through my own thoughts and feelings. I know it sounds stupid that I need some sort of outlet to understand my own thoughts but just go with it. Those who really know me know that I am absolute shit at expressing myself. It’s not that I don’t understand myself or lack an identity or whatever. It’s just hard for me to describe the way I feel in a manner that’s concise enough for someone else to understand. And I hate being misunderstood. I rather not express myself than for someone to misinterpret something I say. One of my greatest fears is never being able to be completely understood.
I used to wholeheartedly believe that our identity was made up of our experiences. That they shape us and mold us into who we are. That the way we think and the way we act is dictated by experiences of our past. That our unique experiences could either break us or make us more resilient. Now, I’m unsure. Maybe we’re just fucked up because we are. Because we choose to be, not because it’s a byproduct of our past.
I’m not really sure where I’m going with this post, I was just in the mood to sit somewhere dark and spew some of my thoughts onto a screen. Maybe it’s a way for me to make my thoughts more tangible – more real. Or a way to know that they exist somewhere else than just in my own head. Whatever the case, it just feels good to say what’s on my mind for once.