There is something just so upsetting about relationships ending. The ending of two people who once had a connection but are just strangers now. The time and memories you shared become irrelevant. The inside jokes and dreams you had for the future fade into nothingness. You become separate entities once again.
I always get asked if I miss my ex – and the answer will always be ‘yes.’ However, this ‘yes’ does not hold the connotation that everyone believes that it does. I will always miss the connection we shared, and I will mourn over what we lost. But I am a completely different person now than at the time that I was with him. I don’t miss him. I don’t ever think about what we could have been, or how we could have salvaged our relationship. In a way I’m sorry for the connection that we lost. The time we spent together has become void in the grand scheme of our lives. We were strangers who shared something special for a moment of time, and we returned to being strangers again. The time we spent together no longer means anything to anyone. We were the momentary smoke that hung in the air, a faint wisp of an existence – disappeared, vanished, the moment a breeze picked by. Temporary.
At one moment in my life, he was the most important thing to me. The one person who knew almost everything about me and the first person I would go to for anything and everything. And now we are strangers again. He no longer knows anything about me because I have changed. And I no longer know anything about him. But that doesn’t mean that I miss him, or that I would ever get back together with him. It’s a complicated concept to explain to someone – especially someone who you could potentially be in a relationship with in the future.
Breakups make you so much more guarded and I think it’s such a pity that the next person you date will never experience the naivety you had with your first love. It won’t be because of anything that that person says or does that makes you guarded but the fact that you’ve been broken by someone before they came into your life. But it’s also tragically beautiful, the way that two people who have been broken and hurt by others can find each other and create a new, imperfect, love.